I sat to start a post to brag about the miracle God has provided and instead I find myself grieving.
This sadness would come eventually but I've been too busy lately and find myself pushing it away.
In 2008 our family stepped, shaky, out on a limb. Risk takers, we were exuberant and expectant.
(click here to) Reminisce with me.
Man did we ever have dreams for this place. We worked very hard. Blood, sweat and many a tear were shed here.
Loyalties were questioned. Commitment was challenged. God was doubted.
Never did we imagine life would be so hard.
Excerpts from journal entries:
July 31, 2009 "Things have been weird around here. I feel somewhat lonely too. And our days of late have been...gasp...boring."
October 29, 2009 "I've been considering and pondering it for some time now and I believe I've reached a conclusion: We Are Crazy.
It's Thursday and as of Monday we've been living in a 5th wheel at the property...I'm tired and want to go to sleep but I don't want to walk to the outhouse. It's cold, windy and dark out..."
December 28, 2009 "I've had a super rough time this last month or so. I cried pretty much all the way to town. I feel so disorganized and in need of getting things back to 'normal'."
January 13, 2010 "...big delays and problems with the water...underground line...obstruction...fighting anger, disappointment, distrust...dark, cold winter...displaced..."
Things began to get very, very difficult living on the property. We had many problems with all our main "systems": heat, water and power.
Confusing and concerning things were happening.
Jeremy started talking about the property being "cursed". Strange... we've never talked that way before. There were many days that we did nothing but survive. And in the winter, I mean this quite literally.
"Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day to day living that wears you out." -Chekov
And the day to day living was killing us slowly.
Our marriage was suffering.
When one's marriage is suffering nothing is right in the world.
The Man and His Family bought property next to ours, two years after we bought ours. We were to be neighbors.
The Man and His Wife sued us. (Read about it here.)
It is unjust. We did nothing wrong. The Man has much money and a deep desire for control. He needs Jesus.
The Lawsuit has affected us in ways too numerous to mention. Threats to our foundation as a family have been felt. Our adoptions were on the line. Despite our diligence of 17 years to manage our finances well and keep a high credit score, bankruptcy had begun to feel like a reality.
We decided, through much prayer and many tears, that someday down the road we would sell our beloved property.
I don't know if anyone has ever been as in love with water, dirt, trees, as I have.
But our experiences over the past five years have slowly affected our feelings about the land. The Lawsuit has been the nail in the coffin.
"If we make it through all of this", we determined, "we will sell that place and never look back."
Three weeks ago I had to go up to the property to take some pictures for The Lawsuit. I hadn't been up there in several months. I expected some emotions to come up, as this would be my first time back since deciding to sever our relationship with our property at the first chance we have.
Lucky me. The Man happened to be there just as I arrived. I haven't seen The Man or His Wife since they sued us. He approached and questioned me. Jesus steadied me and I spoke one sentence with no emotion. No anger. No hurt. No sorrow.
I snapped my pictures, unsteady as my hands shook. I stumbled in the mud and rocks, weak in the knees.
Tears streamed down my cheeks, I, thankful The Man and His Wife were too far away to see.
I arrived at our land and was accosted by a great flood of memories. Wandering around, visions of our dreams appeared. And I grieved.
I sobbed and Jesus watched. I spoke aloud to Him, my words choked so heavily only He could understand.
My heart hurt.
So did His.
"Away with the past. I've done with the old world forever, and may I have no news, no echo, from it. To a new life, new places, and no looking back." -Dostoyevsky